On November 1, 2010, I opened the virtual doors of Heyman Partners. I had chosen the name because my vision was to build a boutique consulting firm, bringing in other consultants whose expertise would complement mine as we built a bench of strength and a client base of visionary social sector leaders. While the leader part stuck, I pivoted (shout out to Seth Godin for asking me the right questions at the right time) to building a practice. Critically, my definition of Partner shifted as well. It’s my clients, and the incredible practitioners with whom I collaborate from time to time, who have become not only my truest professional partners, they’ve taught me, inspired me, helped me grow, and given me a rich community of practice, however loosely organized.
And so, using this decade of practice as an apt moment to pause and reflect (sometimes I actually do take my own advice) below are the top ten things I’ve seen, learned, and experienced that I’m eager to share:
Growth requires hard and sustained work
Growing and changing is a contact sport. It starts with wanting important things to shift and requires daily work that is both internal (self-knowledge, humility, owning our truest desires, acknowledging our fears) and external (having honest conversations, listening to learn and not to reply, trying new stuff). It asks us to see reality for what it is, articulate a vision and put in place a process to get there.
It really does take a village
I’ve written and spoken at length about the power of peer networks, communities of practice, and personal boards of directors. This is our village (and, if you are lucky, you live in a great physical village as I do – Pinecrest Squad and dear friends in Hastings, I’m talking to you!) and it is the fertile soil in which we plant the seeds of ideas and actions, get invaluable feedback, are held accountable, learn new things and are reminded of the essential joys of conversation and community. The power of having each other’s backs, serving as crystal-clear mirrors so that we can see our best and imperfect selves reflected, and being in the cheering section even – or especially – when we lose is invaluable.
Intention, attention, words, and action must be aligned
If what we think, say, and do is aligned, we’re going to have a much more successful experience, at work and in our personal relationships. Part of this is good old-fashioned manners – keep your word, speak honestly and respectfully, and do as you say. It’s also about having real intention about how you want to be in any given circumstance. I encourage my clients to have clear intentions as they go into meetings, presentations, or conversations. How do they want to show up? How do they want others to feel about the interaction? This is a To Be list, not a To-Do list, and leads to infinitely more satisfying outcomes.
Partnership requires deep honesty
The word trust comes up almost every day in my coaching practice. And, as we know, trust is an outcome, it’s not an input. It’s the result of how we speak and behave. Nowhere is this more essential than in partnerships. To engage in a productive and sustainable partnership of any kind, we must speak the truth, know our value, and see the value in others. Deep honesty isn’t just about telling the truth, it’s about acknowledging our desires, fears, preferences and allowing for the possibility of achieving a common goal without necessarily being right. I’ll let that just sit here….
No is a full sentence
A graduate of a women’s college in the mid-80’s, I was steeped in the notion that No is a Full Sentence as it relates to physical contact. As it should be. However, there is also a generative meaning. No is also about what we say Yes to. No to toxic people or conversations, so as to make room for ones that are constructive. No to programs, products, services, or ways of working that are no longer a priority or key to the mission to create space for the new and newly relevant. Finally, when we just say No without the need for further explanation, we’re making a strong declaration about both our boundaries and the strength of our conviction.
Courage is the opposite of fear
I chose Courage as my word of the year in 2019. And, I had a lot of fun prodding myself (with the help of some of my “village people”) to live it every day. What I learned was that this adage – courage is the opposite of fear – is true. As a people-pleaser, I feel so much more comfortable when people are happy with my words or actions. What’s truly scary is to say something that I may deem true or essential and risk presenting an important challenge and not being particularly well-liked in the moment. Ditching that fear (or at least quieting it) has become essential to stepping into my power as a coach and advisor. I see this with my clients as well. So many of them are doing incredibly courageous things in the world not because they have every answer and possess some weird inability to feel pain, but because their personal or professional missions are so much more compelling than their fear, and these goals require them to put one proverbial foot in front of another.
Curiosity is its own reward
Getting curious is a tried-and-true way to ensure that you are never bored, continually grow, experience delight, keep an open mind, learn new stuff, connect dots, and allow for all kinds of experiences. It leads to new adventures, new relationships, new understandings about our own inner life, and keeps our minds open to sparks of wonder.
Generosity – in all its forms – transforms your life
Having spent decades in the philanthropic sector, I have witnessed incredible acts of generosity from donors, sponsors, and boards. It makes the work of organizations possible and truly changes the world. But, there are other forms of generosity that are also transformative, and these are available to all of us, regardless of how much is in our bank accounts. Generosity of spirit allows for the following, and beyond: listening with our full attention; giving someone the benefit of the doubt; offering small gifts for no reason other than that they produce delight; keeping confidences; helping with no thought of reciprocity; sharing resources; anticipating needs; allowing for mistakes (!); apologizing fully and sincerely; and showing up.
Play is serious, people!
Ironically, this has historically been a hard one for me, and for many of my clients. We’ve bought into the idea that something doesn’t have value if it isn’t hard-won and, well, serious. And while I’m a fan of education, skills acquisition, the value of hard work, and doing what needs to be done, I’ve also learned that play is incredibly important. Play lets us breathe, relax, laugh, connect with our child-like selves, and experience wonder. It gives our minds and bodies a much-needed break. It also teaches us: that enjoyment is a critical part of a well-lived life; that physical activity has emotional benefits; that games engage our minds in cool problem-solving activities; and that both solo and team efforts have their place.
Most of us have enough
So many of my clients and collaborators have achieved incredible things. They are often well-educated, hard-working, driven and ambitious. I love this, and feel a sense of kinship. What I’ve learned, however, is that when we have our sights on growth and accomplishment, we can forget that we may indeed have enough. Enough knowledge to take the next step. Enough resources to let go of a scarcity mentality. Enough data, if we access our intuition as well as our intelligence, to make a good decision. Enough experience to ask for the next opportunity. So, let this tenth item be an invitation to anyone reading this to embrace that you may indeed have enough – of whatever – to move forward into what is calling you.
